Worried!!

My mum has the cold! Worst possible time for her to get it as a- her immune system is at its lowest and may struggle to fight it off and b-she is undergoing the stem cell transplant on monday!!! If she still has the cold her treatment can’t go ahead and she would have to start all over again! Plus i’m worried as her immune system may not be able to cope and it could lead to a serious infection really quickly and i cant go round as im still ill!! I can’t sleep at all as im panicking inside and keep waiting on my phone going to say she’s having to go into hospital. It may sound like I’m completely overreacting but how can a non existent immune system fight virus’s! In truth it cant. I want to call or text to see if she is ok but also don’t want to wake her if she is sleeping as she needs her rest and may be worse tomorrow if she doesnt sleep. Oh what to do!!!!!! I guess i just have to stay positive and hope that its a quick cold and doesn’t make her too ill. She’s went the last 6 months not catching anything, it’s sods law that,at this critical time, she has caught something now!! Sending out all my hope that it just stays a sniffle and everything can go as planned!! Stupid cold!!

Coping mechanism…..

You need an outlet…

This is what my friends have been telling me after various drunken meltdowns and, yeah, i think they could be right (I hate to admit). So now, covered in bruises from my latest drunken misdemeanour , here it is my very first blog post. I suppose i better share some background info first. I’m 30 years old, married with 3 kids, 2 my own and 1 step son, all boys and lots of fun! Life’s been full of ups and downs, as it is for everyone but my dad dying 18 years ago is probably why i’m being so closed up about what’s happening now. “Life goes on” was my attitude and i don’t like to dwell on thing’s. Please don’t misinterpret that for I didn’t care as I love him to bits and it breaks my heart that he is not here but I can’t mope around about it as nothing will change the past. So my mum and me have been close since then as she held us all together, put up with all the teenage tantrums and is so supportive of everything i do, she is amazing!! In April though she had noticed a lump that has since been diagnosed as Lymphoma……cancer in her lymphatic system. We waited weeks on getting more info on type and prognosis and finally it came back that she has a low grade one (nodule marginal zone) and a high grade one (diffuse large b). She needed treatment straight away for the high grade one and we were told the low grade one will be with her for life but may not require treatment all the time. She was to get chemotherapy every 3 weeks for 6 cycles and hopefully that would kill off the high grade one. I spent a number of weeks feeling just…numb. I couldn’t take everything in and what I did understand frightened me. How could my mum, who has already been through so much, now have cancer? I was angry and unable to deal with some of the thoughts going through my mind so i started taking it out on other people, flying off the handle at silly little things etc and to this day i still feel like that.

My mum’s chemo all went ahead, she lost all her hair and was sick a few times, but all the tests showed it was working. After her first session she went from having 12 lumps to just a few so we were absolutely elated!! Now hee chemo cycle is complete and im pleased to say it’s all looking great! But now the next phase in her treatment starts. She has to under go a stem cell transplant to prevent the high grade one returning. This is not an easy, quick fix process and its dangerous but nessasary She has just had a double strength chemo session to kill all of her cells, including the good ones, so she is very susceptible to infections – a huge worry. For the next 5 days she is given injections to boost her cell regrowth, ready to be harvested from her on Monday. This is a horrible process and she is in pain! It’s horrible not being able to help her or even go give her a hug, especially as today i am ill with a sickness bug!! This means i wont be able to see her until next week as i cant risk passing it on to her. I have spent most of today crying as i can’t be there for her when she needs me and its such a horrendous feeling! My mum is so strong though. Not once has she entertained the thought that this could beat her. She has had a few down days but im so proud of her positivity! Its gonna be a long hard few months when things could go really bad but hopefully it wont come to that. I have an amazing family and great friends that will keep me strong so i can be strong for her and plus, now, i have this blog and even if no-one reads it, it will hopefully help me get my feelings out. Xxxxxx